You smell like stripper and shame
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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