I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
