The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just gargled with NyQuil
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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