i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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