i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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