How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
