GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
