i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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