You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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