dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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