the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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