The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
