I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
