So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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