Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
