god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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