yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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