Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
