I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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