i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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