Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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