My liver just broke up with me...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
