i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
