The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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