Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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