She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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