Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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