I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
