Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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