Do you still have your period?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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