I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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