I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
