My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
