Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
