Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
