I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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