i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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