So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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