Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
