My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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