I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
3pm strippers are depressing
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
