What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
