She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
