I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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