Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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