She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
