We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
