If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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