I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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