id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
