Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
