kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
