my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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